A eulogy is defined as “a speech or piece of writing that praises someone or something highly, typically someone who has just died”. Eulogies are usually given at a funeral, memorial service, or celebration of life for someone who has recently passed away. They focus on stories, accomplishments, and traits of that person that make them special. While it is very emotional to deliver a eulogy, it can provide clarity and peace to friends and family. Speaking on the deceased’s life, legacy, teachings, and tributes set how they will be remembered indefinitely. If you are asked to write a eulogy and feel unsure, we are here to help. Processing the death of a loved one, then talking about your relationship to a group of people is not easy. The task may be foreign, but our guide can help you feel confident about completing it. Use it to answer your questions and develop a sentimental eulogy.

How long should the eulogy be?

Keeping your audiences’ attention while achieving everything you want to say is a difficult job. Do not leave it until the last minute. Give yourself at least a few hours to write the eulogy. It will be an emotional experience, so take breaks when needed. Additional time will be needed to talk with friends and family, to edit and practice. The actual eulogy should be about 5 to 10 minutes long. This translates to about 750 - 1,500 words.

How do I write the eulogy?

Overwhelming yourself by writing off-top, looking it over once, without help is not a good idea. Following some steps can make the process freeing, meaningful, and an honor to the deceased. 

1.Reflect 

Begin by sitting down and taking a few deep breaths. Take out a piece of paper and pencil and write your loved ones name in the center, then draw a circle around it. Jot down words, memories, and feelings that fill your head when you think about them. Personality traits, stories, songs, food, hobbies, or anecdotes about their life are a good place to start.

What drink did they order when you went out? Who was their favorite artist? What was their career history? Who did they look up to? What clothing item were they always seen in? What did their Friday night look like? Who was closest to them? What irritated them? 

Were they an outdoorsman? Concert go-er? Vegetarian? Grill enthusiast? Bookworm? Home body? Family woman/man? Animal lover? Reality tv buff? Musician? Fashion icon? 

Flip over that piece of paper, and get more if necessary. Write your loved ones name in the middle with yours underneath. Circle the pair. Think about your relationship, the positive and negative memories, and its quirks.

How did you meet? Who or what situation introduced you? What did they teach you? What unique experiences did you share? What will you miss most about them? What memory stands out? 

Write down any and everything that comes to mind. You can decide what to include in the actual eulogy later. 

2. Discuss 

Next, reach out to important people in the person’s life. Try and organize a time where friends and family can all meet. If not possible, phone calls or Zoom are a valuable option. Create a positive space for reminiscing on old stories and reflections of the deceased's life. Write down highlights, anecdotes, unknown information, anything that will assist you produce your special memorial.

3. Organize into themes 

After gathering all your thoughts and information from loved ones, read over the notes. What anecdotes are common? How do they connect? Maybe they were always yelling, dressed to the nines, or knew the best breakfast spots. Maybe several stories showed their bravery, friendship, or humor. Displays of a person’s character and values are a great way to develop a few themes for the eulogy. Try asking yourself what made them, them? Pick three of four things and highlight what you feel is most important. 

4. Write a first draft

Use the themes you developed to outline your first draft. Feel free to start with a song lyric, poem, quote, etc. that is meaningful to you. The eulogy should sound natural and personal, don’t get too caught up in the formalities. Be yourself and write with genuine expression. Know eulogies are not the time to get even or set the record straight. If you did not have a positive relationship with the deceased, ask someone else to deliver the eulogy. Again, take some deep breaths and jot down everything that comes to mind. Once you feel finished, set it aside for some time and relax.

5. Review

When you feel ready, review what you wrote. Read it out loud to yourself to make sure it sounds concise and makes sense. Take out any repetitive thoughts or words. Are you sticking to the themes? Are you sticking to the point - the value of your relationship with this person? Is the deceased’s essence and legacy reflected in the speech? Add anything that will emphasize it. Will the audience understand your words? After editing, read it outload again, this time timing yourself. Can you compile like information to make it shorter? Or Vise Versa? 

Find someone you trust and ask them to peer edit your eulogy. A second set of eyes gives a fresh perspective on your speech. Take any advice into consideration and make your final edits.

6. Practice

It is very important to practice a few times before giving the eulogy. Recite it to yourself with a stopwatch. Try looking in the mirror so you can see what the audience will see during the memorial.  Successful speakers maintain eye contact, speak slow, at an appropriate volume, with meaning. Give the speech a few tries at home until you feel confident. Remember, it is normal, expected and understandable if you cry or fill with emotion. Delivering an eulogy is a difficult task during an already tough time of grieving. 

7. Prepare

The night before, print out a readable copy and save an extra to your phone. Go to bed early, and say some positive affirmations to help yourself relax. FuneralOne Blog offers a list of healthy affirmations for grieving that can be helpful during this time. The morning of take a shower, eat breakfast, put on a clean outfit and anything else to make yourself feel well.

8. Deliver

When it finally comes time bring your speech, a bottle of water, and tissues. Remember that your feelings are valid and expected. It is okay to be nervous, sad, or numb. Your audience feels very similar and sympathizes with you. Take deep breaths, and start when you feel comfortable. Do as you practiced and you will feel confident in the memorial. The experience might leave you with a sense of freedom and connection to the deceased. Grieving is never easy, but this is a step in the right direction. 

If the day comes and you feel overwhelmed or unable to give the speech, that’s okay. Ask someone close to you to be the backup reader just in case. You are strong and capable. 

Lovetoknow gives many free examples of eulogies here you can reference for inspiration.